MY BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION

HI, I KNOW PEOPLE THINK THAT I AM SOMEONE WHO IS EASYGOING, WHO SMILES EASILY AND LAUGH WHOLE HEARTEDLY. SOMEONE WHO IS LAID-BACK AND JUST ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

BUT YOU SEE BEHIND MY EASY SMILES AND LAUGHTER IS A DARK SECRET THAT MY PARENTS ONLY KNOWS ABOUT, MY BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT STARTED OR WHEN THIS WOULD END, BUT I KNOW THAT WHENEVER I FEEL DOWN OR IMPOSSIBLY DOWN, I TURN TO MY WEAPON OF CHOICES: DISTANCE FROM EVERYONE AND PILLS.

I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND WENT THROUGH WITH IT BY DRINKING PILLS, SLEEPING PILLS A BUNCH OF COCKTAIL OF PILLS TO SLOWLY KILL MY HEART AND TRY TO UNBURDEN MY PARENTS OF MY DISAPPOINTMENT. I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO I WOULD BE LEAVING.

I DISTANCED MYSELF FROM THOSE PEOPLE WHO LOVED ME, DIDN'T INFORM MY FRIENDS ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH ME, LEFT MY HOME WITHOUT PERMISSION, THOSE CERTAIN THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS HAPPENED WITH ME, MAYBE IT STARTED WHEN MY FATHER LEFT TO WORK FOR US IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, MAYBE IT STARTED WHEN MY FIRST BOYFRIEND BROKE MY HEART, MAYBE IT STARTED WHEN MY GRADES IN COLLEGE STARTED TO DROP MAKING ME LOSE MY SCHOLARSHIP, MAYBE IT WAS WHEN I LEFT COLLEGE LEAVING MY FRIENDS BEHIND, MAYBE IT STARTED WHEN I CAN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FACE MY BULLIES ANYMORE. THERE ARE LOTS OF "MAYBE IT STARTED WHEN" IN MY LIFE BUT I CAN'T POINT THAT CERTAIN POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE IT ALL SPIRALED OUT AND CAUSED ME TO HIDE CERTAIN THINGS FROM THOSE WHO WERE CLOSE TO ME.

I KNOW THAT I AM BECOMING DEPRESSED WHEN THESE THINGS STARTS:

1. MY PAST MISTAKES CONSTANTLY REPLAYS IN MY HEAD LIKE A LOOP
2. I AM NOT WORKING AS HARD AS I DO IN THE PAST
3. I LIKE DARK COLORS, SWITCHING EVERYTHING IN MY COMPUTER INTO BLACK
4. I BECOME QUIET AND MOROSE, MY SMILE NEVER REACHES MY EYES
5. I LISTEN TO MY MUSIC NOT AS FREQUENT AS I DO IN THE PAST
6. I FORGET THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT
7. I EASILY GET ANNOYED BY PETTY THINGS WHICH I DON'T MIND WHEN I'M NOT IN THIS CERTAIN DARK PERIODS.

I HAVE ATTENDED A FEW SESSIONS WITH A PSYCHOLOGISTS BUT THAT WAS HALTED WHEN SHE LEFT, AND NOW I AM COMING BACK TO MY OLD WAYS AND I HOPE THIS EPISODE DOESN'T LAST BEFORE I HURT SOMEONE OR ATTEMPT TO TAKE MY LIFE AGAIN.

SO YES, IF YOU SEE ME AND SEE ME SMILING, KNOW THAT BEHIND THIS IS A SUFFERING PERSON WHO IS COMBATING WITH HER DEMONS AND TRYING TO WIN WITHOUT HELP.

I LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS WIN WITHOUT HELP BUT YOU HAVE TO START HELPING YOURSELF FIRST AND KNOW WHEN TO ASK, BUT BATTLING DEPRESSION AND OTHER PROBLEMS, THERE IS THIS CERTAIN LESSON TO BE LEARNED: DO NOT LET IT BEAT YOU, DO NOT LET IT DEFEAT YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THEM, YOU ARE MUCH TOUGHER TO BEAT.

THAT IS WHY THIS YEAR I TOLD MYSELF, "2013 GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE 'CAUSE I AIN'T NO SISSY WHO WOULD EASILY SURRENDER, I GOT MY SHIELD(MY FAITH) AND MY SWORD(MY SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST) AND I WILL BE OKAY. KEEP THROWING THEM I AIN'T LETTING THEM GO."

SO TO THOSE WHO ARE LIKE ME, SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION, JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE, JUST REACH OUT TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO LOVED YOU WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN'T GO ANYMORE. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THIS IS YOUR OWN FIGHT, THERE ARE OTHERS WHO ARE BATTLING THE SAME WAR AS YOU DO. JUST KEEP FIGHTING, AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A FIGHTER.